For her second post for Vampire Month, Jen Ponce offers us her dating tips…
Who wouldn’t want to have a powerful, immortal vampire as a lover? Perhaps you read the Vampire Lestat as a teenager like I did, and found yourself yearning for a long-lived French blood sucker who also sings rock-n-roll. Maybe you watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer and lusted after Spike, hoping Buffy would go fall in a grave so you could grab him and give him a big, fat smack on the lips. (And then beg him to bite you.)
Instead of sitting around sighing, follow these five steps to attract a vampire and you, too, could be sucking the blood out of perfect strangers in no time!
1. Cultivate clumsiness
Vampires are predators. The clumsier you are, the more attractive you are as food. The whole point is to lure the vampire in close enough for you to have the opportunity to fascinate them. According to legends, you can toss rice on the ground at your feet and the vampire will be forced to count every grain before he can leave. This will give you the chance to fall down in a gracefully clumsy way, thus attracting the vampire’s acute adoration.
2. Don’t eat garlic, onions, or silver shavings
Really? You would eat any of these things and still call yourself a vampire lover? Everyone who knows anything about vampires will know that garlic is an anathema to the fangers. Only two people (and they both live in Transylvania) know why vampires hate garlic, but the why isn’t important. Just know that vampires don’t like stinky food. I mean lovers.
Vampires also don’t like silver. At first it was just werewolves, but then vampires had to get all, “Omg, we need to be allergic to silver too,” and that was that.
3. Eschew pointy wooden objects
That white picket fence you have out front? That’s like a chastity belt. You might as well smother yourself in garlic and sunbathe, that’s how likely you are to meet a vampire with a fence like that.
You also might want to stop using pencils. There are plenty of other writing utensils in the sea. What about the pen? The quill? A laptop? Your phone, for the love of all that’s unholy. There’s no excuse for pencils in a vampire lover’s home.
4. Come to love the night
Vampires don’t like sunlight or skin cancer. Invest in some heavy curtains and sleeping pills, because you’re going to need them in order to readjust your sleep schedule to accommodate your vein-drainer. It’s a no brainer. Say no to sunlight. Say goodbye to Vitamin D.
5. Enjoy pain
No, this isn’t a sly 30 Colors of Silliness reference. Vampires bite. It’s what they do. If you still scream when the doctor needs a blood sample, you really need to rethink your desire for a vampire lover.
Now, some vampires can mesmerize you so that you don’t feel pain. Don’t count on getting this kind of vamp though. You could very easily get one that has a mouthful of sharp teeth instead of the two civilized fangs. Vampire dating is a crap shoot. It’s all worth it, though, right? Nothing says romance like lurking in shadows waiting to feed on an unsuspecting human with your vampire lover. “Would you like the first bite?” “No, no, you go first, please.” “You’re so kind.”
There you have it, five ways to attract a vampire. If you have any luck, drop me a line over at my website and let me know: www.JenniferPonce.com
Bio for author Jen Ponce
I’m a voracious reader and growing up, I constantly looked for heroic female characters. To my disappointment, so many of the women in the genre fiction I was reading were doormats, weak-willed, boring, incapable, or even downright dumb. That’s why my fiction features strong women. Women who are heroic, women who don’t fall in love and forget who they are, women who fight for what they believe in. If you are looking for character-rich stories that drive you relentlessly toward the big finish, then you just might like my books. Keep in mind I’m a big fan of blood and horror too. Do you like to be scared while you watch a kick ass woman save the day? My books might be just the thing to keep you up all night long.
I’m a writer, a mother of three boys, a cat herder and zombie apocalypse aficionado. I also love vampires, so if you meet one, send ’em my way, okay? I would appreciate it.
If you’re interested in my Kick Ass Woman’s Manifesto, please visit my website here: http://jenniferponce.com/kick-ass-womans-manifesto/ and follow my blog if you like what you see.