, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Today, on this hallowed day that celebrates horror in all its forms, the internet is abuzz with news of a horror beyond even the worst imaginings of your average geek.

No, it is not that the stars are right for the rise of Great Cthuhlu from the vasty depths of R’lyeh. Despite what the great Mayan practical joke would have us believe about the end of the world being nigh, Cthuhlu is not likely to be rising anytime soon as he forgot to set his alarm clock before he went to bed.

Mitt Romney before his morning cup of coffee

And no, it is not the news of a new version of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice directed by Michael Bay and starring Megan Fox as Elizabeth Bennet and Sigourney Weaver as a modern, lesbian take on Mr Darcy with more explosions, car chases and giant robots than any previous version of Pride and Prejudice…*

It’s not even as horrific as the possibility of a new version of Babylon 5 written by Stephenie Meyer with a new concept for Vorlons which has them as ‘sparkly’…

No, the true horror that has gripped geekdom this Halloween is the news that Disney has bought the rights to Star Wars…

People are rightly concerned. They see Disney as a twee insititution which whitewashes over stories to make them far less dark than they actually are. They also look at John Carter and consider what a mess was made of that film. They quake in fear at the possibility of an animated Star Wars with a big goofy dog instead of a wookie and jedi with large ears and squeaky voices… and the joke memes are already coming in thick and fast.

Me, I am optimistic… While Disney is indeed guilty of the crime that was John Carter, other voices on the internet have spoken up and said such things as ‘But what about Pirates of the Carribean? And what about Avengers?’ Yeah, what about them? Disney is as responsible for those two success stories as they are for John Carter and, frankly, I think two phenomenal successes totalling two excellent films and 2 sort of OKish sequels to one of them make up for one failure.

And amidst all the discussion one possibility has arisen which has got many excited. The name Joss Whedon has crawled its way out of the lamentations… Disney got him to do Avengers, are hiring him again for the sequel… what if they also attached him to the Star Wars project?

Think about that for a moment, revel in it. A new Star Wars film, written and directed by Joss Whedon. Could it get any better than that? What would such a film likely include? Well, here are my predictions…

1) A kick arse female jedi. One thing the Star Wars films have always lacked was female jedi. They exist in the universe, there are even books that include them as characters and some of the computer games also have them, but they have never really been seen on the big screen. Whedon is known for his kick arse female characters – Buffy and River Tam being his main ones – and he even managed to give Black Widow some Buffyesque moments in Avengers. I think Whedon would take this step and make the female lead a jedi instead of a constitutionally confused princess in a republic. That or make one of the bad guys a kick arse woman in black leather. Possibly played by Eliza Dushku…

2) Smugglers. One thing I always felt the prequels lacked was the presence of a smuggler style character. A Han Solo to Luke’s clean cut farm boy, a Jack Sparrow to Will’s clean cut blacksmith. The relationship between the morally dubious Han Solo and the rest of the cast in Star Wars was an integral part of the character dynamic which was lacking in the prequels and made them so flat as a result. I think Whedon would insert such a character because he knows only too well the importance of there being friction between the characters. Now, in the ideal dream world, this smuggler character might well be played by a certain Mr. Nathan Fillion, who would no doubt leap at the chance, but that may depend on whatever other projects he is working on at the time… and at this point you have to ask yourself the very important question: Exactly how tempted would Whedon be to make Star Wars VII as close to Serenity II as he possibly can without anyone noticing?

3) Story. Joss Whedon understands how stories work. He has an almost innate grasp of structure and knows how to insert tension and plot to keep a film interesting for the viewers. The prequel trilogy seemed to drag in places, Whedon would make the story jump and move.

4) One liners. Another thing Whedon is good at are pithy one liners that get geek juices flowing. His characters quip and joke and worry about ordinary day to day things – not everything is all about the plot.

I could go on, I could regale you with endless points discussing at length the things that Joss Whedon would bring to the Star Wars franchise if someone let him get his greasy hands on it. But I think you have got the point already and I am aware that many of you may well have stopped reading at point 2 above and are currently sitting there with a dreamy expression and sighing the words ‘Nathan Fillion’ over and over again and therefore lost to any further eloquent arguments. So I will end there with only a final entreaty to Disney… MAKE THIS HAPPEN! Please…

*Note to Hollywood, just in case you do want to make this film, you can buy the rights off me. I’ll do you a good deal for it. I think the world is ready for a lesbian Miss Darcy. Have your people call my people… well, maybe wait a bit so i can acquire some people then call them or maybe just call me direct. If it helps I can pretend to be my own people and go through the rigmarole of pretending to put you through various departments until you get me. i’ll even do the voices.